Tiffany’s story
My story is a long complex one, I had my first child at 20, my second at 23. My firstborn's delivery was quick, I was in shock. I was young, scared, I had no idea what to do. My daughter was born within 15 minutes of pushing. I remember the midwife telling my mum to push the red button. A number of people rushed in, my legs up in stirrups, this pain was worse than before. I was bleeding uncontrollably. Lying there in agony was beyond frightening. I felt like I was being tortured. Nothing could have prepared me for this feeling. The consultant was happy she had stitched me without taking me into theatre – bonus points for them. My mum put me in the shower – again I was shocked as I noticed the pan containing my blood. I felt like everything around me was moving fast it was like hearing talking when you're underwater. To reiterate, I was stitched for a second-degree tear but in fact had a missed fourth-degree tear I didn’t know this until a decade later. At my six-week check a doctor examined me. I was in severe pain. He said, “Oh my love, they've made a right mess of you down here”. I was mortified.
A referral was made to gynaecology. Three months postpartum I went in for a Fenton’s procedure. This was the worst day of my life. I was awake throughout, a nurse spotted I had rips all over my gown just to add to the lack of care and dignity. An onslaught of abuse began. Comments being made to me by a consultant that no one should hear, let alone a 20-year old new mum who was exposed waist down with the consultant having a knife to hand on my body like I was a piece of meat. Tears rolling down my face, the surgeon telling me to stop being a silly girl, laughing at me. The nurse holding my hand tightly, I remember feeling so grateful but no-one spoke up for me, they were just bystanders. The treatment I received was not safe. I was continuing to bleed after the surgery, so she stuffed me with gauze. I was sent to the recovery room, and within 10 minutes I was told I could leave. I had to get my things and walk out. Yet again that overwhelming feeling like the time stood still for me while everything was going on around me. I realised I hadn’t passed urine before they discharged me, so when I got home it was the first thing I did. The day’s traumatic events were far from over. I started peeing when suddenly I tore open. Blood was pouring out of me. The consultant’s repair was so bad it had now caused me to re-tear, further than before. I suffered life-changing injuries as a result.
This could have been avoided with proper treatment.
I was rushed back to hospital only to be shoved in a side room of a maternity ward by the consultant, I had no covers over me, I was exposed from the waist down with the door open, people walking past for baby scans, including MALE partners. The consultant said, “For god’s sake I haven’t got time for this.” Yet again I was stuffed with gauze. She told me she would be back in five minutes. Fortunately, a midwife noticed and gave me a cover, apologised and pulled the door. After what felt like an eternity the consultant returned with something to hand. She said, “Oh, it’s not stopping bleeding.” Without warning, she used silver nitrate caustic sticks to “stop” the bleeding from the tear. I screamed as shockwaves went through my body. I had to beg :“Please stop, this really hurts.” The response was: “Don’t be so silly, don’t be a baby.”
The consultant continued to make abhorrent remarks before she said she was done with me and told me to leave. Yet again I was in shock. For months on end, I suffered with abnormal bleeding, pain in my pelvis, bleeding from my back passage, a sensation of tearing whenever I sat down. When in the car going over potholes/bumps in the road it felt like I had shards of glass cutting me below. Bowel issues began. I have no control. I would even poo myself while out, rushing home so ashamed, hoping no one could see or smell me. I needed a third operation 18 months post-delivery, under general anaesthesia not to endure any further trauma. There was nothing that could be done to mend the damaged muscles and scarring. A third- or fourth-degree tear should be repaired in theatre with regional or general anaesthetic. This allows the anal sphincter to relax so that the torn ends can be retracted and brought together without tension. Women should be given antibiotics and laxative, at 6-12 weeks they should be offered physiotherapy, and have their condition reviewed by a obstetrician or gynaecologist. None of this happened.
I have endured years of suffering, incontinence, endless tests, treatments, ongoing mental illness, PTSD, bladder and bowel dysfunction and ME. I don’t know if I had a second, third or fourth degree tear at birth but I do know, the Fenton’s procedure caused me significantly more harm and serious injuries.
The injuries have impacted my quality of life. By some miracle/illogical yearning three years and two months later my second child was en route. The pregnancy was complex throughout. He was born via planned but emergency caesarean due to going into labour three weeks early. I have a scoliosis, and this wasn’t considered when placing my epidural. Many attempts were made – a spinal block with an epidural running through it was the outcome. At this point the focus was on delivering my chunky baby. After being left in labour for eight hours, his shoulders were stuck in my pelvis so a lot of effort was made to deliver him. Eight minutes after birth it was clear he was poorly. This has continued throughout the majority of his life. I share this because it’s a reason why I was so detached from realising my own suffering. I was dealing with advocating for him and spending a lot of time in hospitals. Which takes me back to his delivery aftermath, my back was covered in bruising. It was later discovered I actually had bruising to my spinal cord and nerves. My mobility was impacted. My bowel had gone the opposite way, now taking weeks for me to pass any motion. I've had multiple tests but my entire large bowel is damaged, and faecal impaction leaves me in agony. Night times are restless. I've tried numerous medications, drinks, suppositories, enemas! I tried an irrigation that made everything drop and swell. I collapsed as a result of the sudden pressure. This resulted in a diagnosis of intrarectal intussusception.
I have restarted irrigation with a much better aid. Ultimately, I'm told that at some point everything may stop working completely. If so I hope it will be a planned ileostomy rather than an emergency. I am constantly petrified as a result of my history and trauma, my OCD is intense and I’m in a constant heightened state at the thought of anything else going wrong. I don’t know what path my life is going to take but I feel broken and alone. My body is a mess. My ME exhaustion is insane, I can hardly function enough to live in my own home – another result of the trauma.
I miss a lot of occasions, even day-to-day situations. I'm so ashamed. I’m not the mother, wife, daughter, sister or aunty I want to be, and I just can’t see that I am ever going to be. Who even am I? I don't remember.
Yet the storm continues. In 2023 I fell pregnant whilst still on the coil. This ended in a missed miscarriage. The coil was removed. I decided to give my body a break. No protection meant pregnancy. I had multiple miscarriages early on, then nothing each month just a scrambled cycle. More tests, poking and prodding. Then a diagnosis of Lupus Anticoagulant Antiphospholipid Syndrome. I am still waiting for treatment months later. My mind is frazzled, my body is fudged, all I can do is survive in uncertainty. I am so angry, I've been robbed of life. Almost 12 years later the trauma I suffered is a daily battle, the remarks made still ring out loudly in my head.
Thank you to anyone that has taken time to read my story, I don’t want pity I just want to urge anyone in any circumstance, medical or otherwise to always know you have a voice and you matter. Say what you're thinking no matter what because it could stop unnecessary suffering in its tracks.
Check your medical notes and say if they're wrong, I’ve recently learnt the consultant lied in mine. I reluctantly share that I've had times where I have been suicidal as a result of my trauma, I have needed the crisis-team more than I care to say. I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way. That’s why change in maternity and women's health needs to change NOW, not in the future, not in a plan, not in an inquiry, it needs to happen NOW. They need to remember to CARE. You can't fake caring because people recognise it. Caring for yourself and others is a fundamental value that leads to better outcomes and societal good. x
